Root Canal for the Soul

Four months ago I went public with my story of being sexual abused by my junior high/high school band director. This is the link if you want to read that post.

A lot has happened since posting the story: I found a wonderful therapist who is helping me wade through the effects of sexual abuse. Many of my closest friends have embraced me even more.Other survivors have shared their stories. My husband, who has always been my safe place to land, kicked that up to a new level I didn’t know existed.

The Letters
The healing process began in full force at the end of October of last year, 2016. I became brave enough to send a letter to my abuser. I told him I knew what he did was wrong, but going to law school taught me it was illegal.

In that letter, I included the O.C.G.A. (the law for the State of Georgia). I told him I would prosecute. Unfortunately, after talking with the district attorney’s office in Macon,  I learned that the statute of limitation won’t allow him to be tried in criminal or civil court.

To my surprise, he sent a reply to my letter. It went to my work address which he must have found through Google since it was not the return address used on the letter to him. As soon as I saw the handwriting, I knew who it was from. I started to tremble and my heart was pounding.

The letter sat, unopened, for several minutes. I was so afraid of what it might say. I fully expected denial and blame. I expected him to accuse me of being the one who initiated the contact. I was afraid he would lash out at me in anger.

I was shocked when I read, in his handwriting, a confession.

“Mrs. Wilson-Reddy,
        The information you sent me is true. I felt your anger. I am so very sorry about what happened. Had I known then how it would have affected you, it would not have occurred.”

So smug. I was 14-years old. He was 36.

I was PISSED!!!

I knew it was time to start telling my story to get rid of the anger, the guilt, the shame, and the self-blame.

Therapy
With the help of my therapist, I am starting my soul root canal. We are beginning to dig really deep to remove the rotted, dead places and make it clean and healthy. Like a root canal, it’s very uncomfortable and occasionally hurts.

I have been vaguely aware of the effects of the abuse, but have tried to keep that Pandora’s Box closed. It’s always been difficult to trust others much deeper than surface-level. Deep down, soulful feeling and expressing emotions? You might as well ask me to speak Mandarin Chinese or Vulcan.

Those are the effects I have always known. But after my most recent therapy session, I have learned the situation is much more complex.

Great. Dear God, WTH?

The abuse began when I was 14 years old and lasted for four years. These are important years of brain development. The human brain stops developing around 25 years. Needless to say, he not only stole part of my childhood, he also deeply affected up my adult life.

News for me: His abuse created an inability to stand up for myself. He had power and was in a position of authority over me. I didn’t say no. I couldn’t say no.

I have been an advocate for underdogs as long as I can remember. Speaking up for the rights of those marginalized is easy and natural. Ironically, standing up for myself is something I don’t do very well. If I am criticized, confronted, or challenged, I withdraw and don’t push back. I assume the other person is correct. So I take on the blame, shame, guilt, and burden of my lack of competency.

There is a reel of vignettes looping through my brain of the times I didn’t push back. Some instances were insignificant and others have been life altering. Every time I needed to stand up for myself, my gut was screaming for me to push back. I knew what to say but didn’t have the strength, skill, or capacity.

I wonder who that young girl would be now if she had said NO. HELL NO!!!

The professionals call this ability “agency”. “One’s agency is one’s independent capability or ability to act on one’s will. This ability is affected by the cognitive belief structure which one has formed through one’s experiences, and the perceptions held by the society and the individual, of the structures and circumstances of the environment one is in and the position they are born into.” https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Agency_(sociology)

This is a simplistic view of a complex situation. My upbringing was a catalyst to being vulnerable. My abuser was a person who had power over me. He used his power and my need for attention to abuse me.

We are just beginning to dig into the dark places. It’s scary and anxiety-producing. However, I have discovered by unpacking Pandora’s Box, once scary secrets are released, they don’t haunt or hurt as much.  I hate it, but I look forward to being free.

I’m healing. The more of my story I tell, the stronger I become.